never mind the bollocks

April 17, 2006

Fresh and lightly tanned freckled from my holiday, I was naturally eager to discover if anything of consequence had befallen the city in my absence. Civil war? Famine? Oprah? All I could get out of the glassy-eyed women who met me at the airport was something that sounded like “Williams”, then a mumbled “blobby” or “Bobbie” and finally, definitely, “concert”, followed by some inappropriate writhing. It goes without saying that I ended up carrying my own suitcase.

Robbie frikken’ Williams. My mum breaks out in hot flushes, my aunts and cousins sweat and moan at the very mention of his name – even my grandmother wore a groove in her Live at the Albert DVD. I don’t get it, but for once I’m going to lay off the ‘shaved ape’ comments and respectfully relay the only interesting snippet of information I have on lard boy.

Notice the sigil on his index finger on the cover of his latest album? For those not versed in the dark arts, a sigil is a graphical representation of magical intent. Put another way, it’s a desired outcome like, say: ‘I want to win the Lottery’ or ‘find me a flexible girlfriend with a flat head’ reduced to a unique and highly personal symbol – I’m guessing Robbie’s says ‘buy my album’ or ‘I wish I wasn’t so stuwpid stupid’ – which is then supposedly brought to fruition by your subconscious. Or maybe the universe, I forget. Of course, you don’t just doodle something on your index finger and hope it comes to pass – the sigil has to be activated, or ‘charged’ at a moment of higher consciousness – commonly achieved, my people assure me, by a frenzied bout of masturbation. Which neatly supports my theory that Robbie Williams is, in fact, a complete and utter wanker.

If you saw the concert at Green Point on Thursday night and want to tell me about it, please – don’t let my personal prejudice (and superior taste) put you off – I’d love to hear about it. On the other hand, if you’re a witch or magician and swear by the 5 knuckle shuffle and crappy line art, please conjure me a flexible boyfriend with a flat head. Thanks.

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