stirred, not shaken.

June 27, 2006

In what might be the most inspired franchise manoeuvre since the local Blimpies (Subs & Salads) changed their name to Olympies just in time for our failed bid to host the Big Games, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley cut the ribbon on the world’s first KISS Coffeehouse in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

Once past the 20-foot platform boots (smoking, natch) at the door, patrons can sample KISS signature blends like the Demon Dark Roast, French KISS Vanilla, or a frozen Rockuccino.

“The KISS Coffeehouse is our way of providing everyone with the buzz of great, quality treats and coffee filled with enough sugar and caffeine to get the party started, and keep it going!” Paul Stanley

Fine. But the first waitron to stir my latte with his tongue will end up spitting blood. For real.

Now, if anyone needs me, I’ll be at the Tony Iommi Pastry Emporium.


Rock on, Stereogum.


Update: And in the second most inspired franchise manoeuvre since the introduction of the Sausage Crust® – Caffeine Spot in Sea Point have promised a free cup of coffee and a muffin to anyone who mentions them on their blog.

Ordinarily, I’d never sully my high moral standards by accepting free gifts in exchange for a wee bit of publicity. I’d much rather hold out for cold cash. Then again, I appreciate a good viral campaign as much as the next person – provided it doesn’t leave me on a respirator – and, hey, they operate from Sea Point, for chrissake. That’s my ‘hood. We’re practically family. More importantly, I’m cheap and easily swayed by free stuff – and free coffee is free coffee. Free coffee!*

Make mine… dark, please.

[* Plus, it’s good.}


Don and Rich…! over at Jo’blog deliver a perfervid report on Lagwagon’s performance up in Gauteng recently. And Don’s nuts. They swear quite a bit, too. (Don and Rich…!, that is. The nuts are relatively well behaved.)

Jesus. Would you look at the date, already? It's a good thing this isn't actually my house and you weren't really left to pick over yellowed copies of Spin and the Big Issue before succumbing – reluctantly – to starvation and eventual interment in the tomato bed alongside Pretty Boy*, the Gay(est) Budgie. Because then you'd never be able to:

Get The Hoff to Number 1
Think what he's given to the world. Knight Rider. Baywatch. The reunification of East and West Germany. Untold laughter from forwarded e-mails of him in hotpants.

He's given a lot. It's time we gave something back.

Popbitch reckons he's doing quite well on his own, actually:

He was recently booked for Google's summer party in Berlin. slurred his way through a set of pop songs but couldn't remember the words to his new release Jump In My Car so Google staff had to write them down and tape the sheets of paper around the stage.


{* Poor Pretty Boy – I dug him up twice. Accidentally, I swear.}

not that I do

June 9, 2006

“Writing about music is like dancing about architecture – it's a really stupid thing to want to do”

Elvis Costello. (Allegedly.)

For shame. It's not enough that Barry Manilow has a face that resembles Sid the Ice-Age sloth sculpted in marshmallow – now the bawdy sheep-fanciers next door are using his music to drive hooligans from the suburbs:

For the next six months the ears of the youth of Rockdale, a suburb south of Sydney, will be subjected to the sounds of the singer's back catalogue after the local council resolved to get tough on antisocial behaviour. Councillors hope piping Manilow hits such as Mandy and Copacabana through a loudspeaker into a car park troublespot will kill the atmosphere and force the youths to move on.

Poor guy. At least he's rich.


Thangyew, Whitney.

jou deftige duiwel

June 6, 2006

Laat ons sien hoeveel mense van my hou! Moet 'Kersfees' met 'Johan Stemmet Dag' verruil? Stem hierso!

Die man met die hare wat skrik vir niks, die man wat nooit "nooit" sê nie, die man wat die "ken" in "kennis" sit, ons eie Dawie Hasselhof… dames en here: Johan Stemmmmet!

Die wêreldwye web is somtyds 'n wonderlike ding.


Ag, dankie, Jo'Blog!


It's the National Day of Slayer. In Wyoming, apparently.

Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer. Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot. Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries. Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway). Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

Look, I'm just the messenger, OK?

And tomorrow – if there is a tomorrow – you should stay home and listen to Entombed. Yeah. Entombed.

our men in hangover

June 2, 2006

"It started out as a joke, it turned into a subculture explosion. Bursting through the underground like an inebriated suicide bomber, The four hooligans locked in the HALFPRICE menagerie of a rock and roll band are coming out swinging, ready to flatten the planet!"

Yes, the classy little drunks are back. Catch Homo Pete and the boys at their catchily titled 'Unbanned and Rebooked a.k.a. Damn the Man, Screw the Exams' show at Mercury Live in Cape Town tonight. LP Show and Killerearfukaz will be there to hold the Halvies' hair back while they throw up on their shoes.

If underage drinking turns you on, you won't want to miss the 'Student Night' gig at Lepht, 4 Buiten Street, on Wednesday 7 June, followed by the 'Fat Titties Party!!' held, somewhat appropriately, at the Wynberg Sports Club on Thursday 15 June.

And the fun doesn't end there. Halfprice will blow through Jozie, Pretoria and Durbs in July on their Skidmarks and Roses tour, before deportation departing for their second European tour in September.

What's the big deal? I've toured Europe.

Pretoria: the very epicentre of big hair, animal prints and extravagant expanses of sock beneath bri-nylon hemlines.

Small wonder then, that the lovely Jen and her brothel-creepered crew have opted to open the very first Silent Screams Subcultural Store in the land of the groot snor. The small but fiercely tattooed distribution outfit, purveyors of “psychobilly, punk, rock ‘n’ roll, skate and tattoo clothing & accessories“, will be serenaded from the Thrashers skatepark by grateful punks Impropriety, and sharply dressed rock ‘n’ rollers, The Slashdogs and The Hellphones.

Don’t miss the exhibition by lensman Liam Lynch either – anyone who can spend a weekend trailing the likes of fokofpolisiekar and maintain a steady shutter finger deserves your respect. Also, his pics are fantastic.

Store opening: 19h30, 241 Serene Street, Garsfontein, Pretoria. Tonight, 2 June.
The Gig: 20h30 at Thrashers Skate Park. R30 gets you in. A genuine ID gets you beer.