hell-bent for pleasure

August 12, 2006

A piano bar, somewhere in suburbia.

MC: The Hellphones spring their debut album on an unsuspecting Gauteng public at the Blues Room, Village Walk, this Tuesday evening.

Audience: Oooh.

MC: It should be good. (Pause.) You know, I think I missed their launch in Cape Town a couple of weeks ago…

Audience: Awwww.

MC: But as luck would have it, I’m in Johannesburg right now. (Stan, could I get a refill?)

Audience: Oooooh.

MC: Yeah, if you’re in the vicinity of the departure lounge at Jo’burg International around the time that they’re due to hit the stage, come and say hello.

Audience: Awwww.

MC: I know, but what can you do? I’ve heard reports that This is How might be one of the best local honest-to-goodness rock ‘n’ roll releases of recent years. If not of all time. (Stan, I love you.)

Audience: Oooh

MC: In spite of it not sounding at all like The ‘Stones, Thin Lizzy or The Beatles, like the press release claims.

Audience: Awwww.

MC: (No, “Oooh”, that’s an “Ooooh”)

Audience: Ohhh.

MC: On a positive and vaguely related note, at least I’ll be going back to a fixed internet connection in the Mother City – you know, check my mail at night without having to Velcro an aerial to the neighbour’s roof. I could even resume some sort of regular posting schedule. Like in the old days.

Audience: Awwww.

MC: Hey!

“This is How” is released by Sheer Music and is available countrywide at Look & Listen, CD Wherehouse and all good CD Stores.

But not, apparently, at The Mall in Rosebank. So I bought Cassette‘s debut release instead.


go-go, girls

August 7, 2006

To celebrate Women’s Day this Wednesday, 9 August, Pestroy will be giving away women – sorry, girls – for free, until 10 pm on Tuesday night. Latecomers to the Women’s Day Wipe Out!!! at The Roxy in Melville will have to cough up R40 to catch a glimpse of skirt.

That’s what it says in the press release.*

If you don’t arrive in time to nab one of the good ones, try throwing some change at surfabilly space vixens, The Kosmonauts (above), laid-back Aussies Veeva Feeva, or grumpy ol’ Velve.

You can also catch Pestroy at one of these fine venues later in the month. Ladies not included.

Tue 22 August: Blues Room – Village Walk – JHB.
Fri 25 August: The Red Door – Pietermaritzburg.
Sat 26 August: Burn – Durban with Bhora.


* “Girls FREE before 10:00PM”

Don and Rich…! over at Jo’blog deliver a perfervid report on Lagwagon’s performance up in Gauteng recently. And Don’s nuts. They swear quite a bit, too. (Don and Rich…!, that is. The nuts are relatively well behaved.)

Pretoria: the very epicentre of big hair, animal prints and extravagant expanses of sock beneath bri-nylon hemlines.

Small wonder then, that the lovely Jen and her brothel-creepered crew have opted to open the very first Silent Screams Subcultural Store in the land of the groot snor. The small but fiercely tattooed distribution outfit, purveyors of “psychobilly, punk, rock ‘n’ roll, skate and tattoo clothing & accessories“, will be serenaded from the Thrashers skatepark by grateful punks Impropriety, and sharply dressed rock ‘n’ rollers, The Slashdogs and The Hellphones.

Don’t miss the exhibition by lensman Liam Lynch either – anyone who can spend a weekend trailing the likes of fokofpolisiekar and maintain a steady shutter finger deserves your respect. Also, his pics are fantastic.

Store opening: 19h30, 241 Serene Street, Garsfontein, Pretoria. Tonight, 2 June.
The Gig: 20h30 at Thrashers Skate Park. R30 gets you in. A genuine ID gets you beer.

work for idle hands

May 26, 2006

punk in drublic

May 10, 2006

When I first started hanging out at punk gigs, I kept encountering the same small huddle of drunks who'd interrupt the bands with feeble cries of "The Cause", before collapsing against each other in a faint spray of beer and sweat. At least, that's what I thought they were saying.

It was only a couple of years and a VH1 special later that the real reason for their enthusiasm became clear: The Corrs. Of course. They’d been shouting for The Corrs.

Which obviously has nothing to do with Kid of Doom, Fuzigish and Pestroy’s fine, fine efforts to raise funds for almost 300 children and adults with profound mental handicaps – but I thought I’d mention it anyway. So come on – support the Little Eden Benefit gig at Thrashers Skate Park in Pretoria this Saturday. The kids really need you.

If that doesn’t tug at your purse strings, I hear The Corrs sisters are raising money to buy a better looking brother – now there's a cause worth supporting.

beauty and the beats

May 5, 2006

I'm just going to come right out and say it: The Hellphones are ugly.

If you've downloaded their surprisingly catchy 'Flick Knives and Ninja Stars' demo, you'll already know that vocalist Tenn sounds a little like Speedo/Jon Reis from the late, great, Rocket From The Crypt. That's good. And looks a lot like a young Joe Cocker. Bad. Which makes their appearance at the upcoming FHM 100 Sexiest Party – held to honour the hottest South African women to have flattened themselves under the magazine's staples this yearsomething of an enigma. An enigma wrapped in pink shirts and yellow ties, if that isn't just my monitor acting up again.

Which is precisely why, come Saturday 20 May, you should march right past the hordes of gorgeous women, block your ears to the likes of DJ/Producer/supremo Ryan Dent and Arno Carstens and the New Pornsters, shrug off the 'gyrating AXE dancers', evade your desperate fellow attendees, and go and show the 'Phones some love. In fact, we could all drop our obsession with exterior trimmings for once in our sour, insecure, little lives, and show some genuine support for the aesthetically-challenged. Because us ugly folk need all the help we can get.

(You'd be wasting your time with the women, anyway – like I said, Arno Carstens will be there.)


Thanks, Dave. Yes, I stole your photograph, Kevin S. Slee: +27 72 602 1518

dogg pound

April 27, 2006

Snoop Dogg was arrested at Heathrow last night on charges of "violent disorder and affray", after he and his entourage were refused entry to a British Airways first-class lounge and got a little frisky. His bodyguards then attacked the policemen attempting to make them 'heel'. Which is, possibly, not the brightest thing to do under the circumstances.

Dogg is said to be licking his, erm… wounds in a West London holding cell, which means he won't be around to headline at least one of The People's Celebration concerts scheduled across South Africa this month :

Tickets to his show in Durban, scheduled for Saturday, were snapped up weeks ago. Although concert organisers Big Concerts, have sought to allay fears about his arrival in the country, he was yesterday hauled off his flight to South Africa.

And they say it like it's a bad thing.

mash and grab

April 20, 2006

+ Metallica are offering fans downloads of all three concerts from their South African sojourn. At around $10 for an album's worth of remastered live tracks from a show you actually attended, that's not a bad little souvenir – and probably less than you spent on beer at the gig anyway.

+ The Powerzone chicks give some predictably awestruck and sweaty feedback on Robbie's Pretoria gig.

+ The Guys, Corné and Twakkie, remember Brett Goldin in the style of love and the Gold Ninja's tracksuit.

+ Jungle Brothers Fletcher and the other guy from Krushed and Sorted/African Dope Records are passing out free downloads like blotter tabs outside the school gates. Come to think of it, if Fletcher is the Fletcher I think he is, then he really did spend some time loitering outside my High School back in the day. Chatting up Catholic schoolgirls. And… stuff.

Get your Constructus, Krushed, Agents, Godessa, Surfers and Soundsystem right here, then. That's Drum 'n' Bass, Afro-Rap, IDM, Dancehall and Trip Hop to the rest of you. Perhaps not quite in that order, though.

+ Lastly, previews of the new Slayer album suggest it's shaping up to be quite upbeat and poppy. Also, doesn't Tom Araya look a bit like a hirsute George Clooney in the pic? Creepy.

Deadlines, ok?

Known by about three people for their accidental tunes of shot-up love, slippery democracies and the general consequences of the incorrect application of beer and freedom in the dailies of our lives, The Buckfever Underground will bring you spoken word in Afrikaans and English, large-mouth bass, slack-jawed drums, strange guitar sounds and a man with hair on keyboards.

You can catch Toast Coetzer and the Buckfever Underground's "I Shot A Muishond In Gauteng Just To Watch Him Die" Tour in Gauteng in April. And you should.

That's if you haven't already packed your veldskoen and 'shrooms for The OppiKoppiHaat my want ek vreet my hasie” Easter Festival (Fuck, what is it with these names?).

I'm only mentioning it because BVK will be there and I'm counting on Mr Fat to keep the rest of those pesky hippies under control.

Like Ben Lee, for example.

My uitspraak is ‘n bietjie kak* (jammer), maar ek sal my bes probeer:

Fokofpolisiekar sou hulle nuwe musiek video by Cool Runnings, Centurion op 10 Maart gelaunch het, maar alles is ewe skielik geskyf na 13 Maart by Tings ‘n Times in Hatfield, Pretoria. Skies, Tshwane. Ek weetie hoekom nie. Maar dit klink nogtans soos ‘n plesierige nag uit and dit kos net R30. Komaaan, dis jou kans om snorre te vergelyk met die heel beste van die new wave van Kaapse orkeste.

Daar’s nog goed oor hulle nuwe kortspeler en hulle produksie-diary van die hele recording prosess, maar ek is nou sat van lees, vertaal en oorskrywe – lees die blumminpress release self. Man.

*Nee, dis waar – ek klink soos ‘n lugwaardin.

Dankie, samusic.