Jesus. Would you look at the date, already? It's a good thing this isn't actually my house and you weren't really left to pick over yellowed copies of Spin and the Big Issue before succumbing – reluctantly – to starvation and eventual interment in the tomato bed alongside Pretty Boy*, the Gay(est) Budgie. Because then you'd never be able to:

Get The Hoff to Number 1
Think what he's given to the world. Knight Rider. Baywatch. The reunification of East and West Germany. Untold laughter from forwarded e-mails of him in hotpants.


He's given a lot. It's time we gave something back.


Popbitch reckons he's doing quite well on his own, actually:

He was recently booked for Google's summer party in Berlin. slurred his way through a set of pop songs but couldn't remember the words to his new release Jump In My Car so Google staff had to write them down and tape the sheets of paper around the stage.

~*~

{* Poor Pretty Boy – I dug him up twice. Accidentally, I swear.}

not that I do

June 9, 2006

“Writing about music is like dancing about architecture – it's a really stupid thing to want to do”

Elvis Costello. (Allegedly.)

For shame. It's not enough that Barry Manilow has a face that resembles Sid the Ice-Age sloth sculpted in marshmallow – now the bawdy sheep-fanciers next door are using his music to drive hooligans from the suburbs:

For the next six months the ears of the youth of Rockdale, a suburb south of Sydney, will be subjected to the sounds of the singer's back catalogue after the local council resolved to get tough on antisocial behaviour. Councillors hope piping Manilow hits such as Mandy and Copacabana through a loudspeaker into a car park troublespot will kill the atmosphere and force the youths to move on.

Poor guy. At least he's rich.

~*~

Thangyew, Whitney.

jou deftige duiwel

June 6, 2006

Laat ons sien hoeveel mense van my hou! Moet 'Kersfees' met 'Johan Stemmet Dag' verruil? Stem hierso!

Die man met die hare wat skrik vir niks, die man wat nooit "nooit" sê nie, die man wat die "ken" in "kennis" sit, ons eie Dawie Hasselhof… dames en here: Johan Stemmmmet!

Die wêreldwye web is somtyds 'n wonderlike ding.

~*~

Ag, dankie, Jo'Blog!

national_day_of_slayer_bann.gif

It's the National Day of Slayer. In Wyoming, apparently.

Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer. Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot. Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries. Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway). Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

Look, I'm just the messenger, OK?

And tomorrow – if there is a tomorrow – you should stay home and listen to Entombed. Yeah. Entombed.

our men in hangover

June 2, 2006

"It started out as a joke, it turned into a subculture explosion. Bursting through the underground like an inebriated suicide bomber, The four hooligans locked in the HALFPRICE menagerie of a rock and roll band are coming out swinging, ready to flatten the planet!"

Yes, the classy little drunks are back. Catch Homo Pete and the boys at their catchily titled 'Unbanned and Rebooked a.k.a. Damn the Man, Screw the Exams' show at Mercury Live in Cape Town tonight. LP Show and Killerearfukaz will be there to hold the Halvies' hair back while they throw up on their shoes.

If underage drinking turns you on, you won't want to miss the 'Student Night' gig at Lepht, 4 Buiten Street, on Wednesday 7 June, followed by the 'Fat Titties Party!!' held, somewhat appropriately, at the Wynberg Sports Club on Thursday 15 June.

And the fun doesn't end there. Halfprice will blow through Jozie, Pretoria and Durbs in July on their Skidmarks and Roses tour, before deportation departing for their second European tour in September.

What's the big deal? I've toured Europe.

Pretoria: the very epicentre of big hair, animal prints and extravagant expanses of sock beneath bri-nylon hemlines.

Small wonder then, that the lovely Jen and her brothel-creepered crew have opted to open the very first Silent Screams Subcultural Store in the land of the groot snor. The small but fiercely tattooed distribution outfit, purveyors of “psychobilly, punk, rock ‘n’ roll, skate and tattoo clothing & accessories“, will be serenaded from the Thrashers skatepark by grateful punks Impropriety, and sharply dressed rock ‘n’ rollers, The Slashdogs and The Hellphones.

Don’t miss the exhibition by lensman Liam Lynch either – anyone who can spend a weekend trailing the likes of fokofpolisiekar and maintain a steady shutter finger deserves your respect. Also, his pics are fantastic.

Store opening: 19h30, 241 Serene Street, Garsfontein, Pretoria. Tonight, 2 June.
The Gig: 20h30 at Thrashers Skate Park. R30 gets you in. A genuine ID gets you beer.

me ears are alight

May 26, 2006

If I spent more time on the Internet and less time on frivolous distractions like ‘work’ and ‘deadlines’, I wouldn’t be the last person in town to discover that the ‘King of Ska’, Desmond Dekker, popped his clogs yesterday at the youthful age of 64.

Dekker – who, sadly, is probably best known around my parts as the guy everyone thinks is Horace Andy or a barber – rocksteadied Jamaica to the top of the international charts with Israelites, and 007 (Shanty Town), paving the way for a succession of island superstars like Bob Marley, Jimmy Cliff and … uh, Shaggy.

work for idle hands

May 26, 2006

hell-o, operator

May 23, 2006

Those devilish call-centre employees, The Hellphones, want you to dial 'O' for "oh no!"…

Ladies and Gentlemen, give up your first-born…

Actually, I can't sustain this – The Hellphones want you to come and see them play The 88 Club in Norwood tomorrow night at around 8 pm.

Tell them Samael sent you.

Prince has been voted the "world's sexiest vegetarian" in PETA's annual online poll, the animal rights group announced Monday.

Not that I care or anything – I just wanted to use that headline.

I really shouldn’t keep picking on the God Squad – it requires so little mental effort and incredibly, not even I can justify being that lazy. On the other hand, a little unintentional comedy does go a long way, and this inspired exposé of Satan’s Music dutifully trots out enough one-liners to kick-start a college t-shirt empire.

And it’s not just the usual suspects (metal, homosexuals) that face the flaming rod of righteousness, either. The people who brought you the fantastically monikered Antichrist Slideshow starring: The Popes of Rome spare no one: The Beach Boys, Bon Jovi, Christian Rockers, Country Music and, not surprisingly, Vangelis – are all beaten with their own lyric sheets before being drop-kicked to the Great Braai Down Below.

Stan help us all.

~*~

Hellarious, Metafilter.

tune in, freak out

May 16, 2006

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you should consider therapy?

Metafilter reminds us that it's never too late to have a happy childhood with this stirring collection of TV theme tunes from classics like Knightrider, the A-Team and Airwolf. Hey, Airwolf! Didn't Jan-Michael Vincent come over here and disgrace himself with a cocktail waitress / cheap hooker once? Twice?

OK already

May 16, 2006

Radiohead's Thom Yorke releases a solo album and the internet goes apeshit. Only it's not really a solo album, apparently, and doesn't necessarily signal a rift amongst the Flaky Five, and this blog still can't bring itself to care.

"One of the most rewarding things happened at one of our screenings when a kid stood up and said, 'Thank you for making a film that, for once, doesn't make us look like idiots,' " Dunn said.

MTV offers exclusive clips from soon-to-be-released doccie Metal: A Headbanger's Journey. And Prozac and a hoodie for anyone looking forward to Bastards of Young, a double-disc release chronicling the rise of emo. Well, not really. But they should.